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“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
peep davidson
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.