Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Yeah. This was me today.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”