that colleague who touches your screen
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thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Brilliant!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong