Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?