This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Me, in DM rooms…
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*