Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what