The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Liquor Store Parking
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…