Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”