Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Ummm