8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
eating my hot dog hamburger style
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Festive toon…
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?