I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.