Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Happy thanksgiving
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.