Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies