Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”