my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.