All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
going to the ER y’all need anything
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*