The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is