Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

nyc:

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.