Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Can Happiness buy money?

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.