Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

Only you can prevent podcasts

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.