Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”