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the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
a god among men
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.