What the hell happened in there??
You Might Also Like
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
won’t smith
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.