I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
me as a parent
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…