Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!