Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that