Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.