Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Always 🥴
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
🔥🔥
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.