Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.