Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Not all heroes wear capes….
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus