Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.