Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

My blood type is coffee.

Cheers Twitter.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]