It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …