A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
