Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.