Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over