Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?