Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

*limbos away from your hug*

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me