“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Facebook memories be like
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!