Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.