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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”