“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Try and stop me.
secret recipe
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?