My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
How about daylight saves us for once
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors