Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys