Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

A dead goose is called a ghoost

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

Pringles

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.