somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT