Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
who wants to go expliring
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The best plant holders?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that