My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
😬
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]