I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.