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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food