Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.